I realized it off late that when someone says, ‘stay in touch’, it feels good. Acceptance and remembrance are the pillars of human interaction. In these two glorious phases, we dance like a monkey, we laugh like a king, we whine like a bitch and cry like a baby! Haven’t noticed yet? Well just wait to make a brand-new friend or find a brand-new passion. And then maybe indulge in remembering the best times you guys had together. The contact with the right frequency could magnify your life trajectories but contact with the wrong one could also throw a dark light on your odds and ebbs. The contact is a fuzzy logic of so many interactions, that bringing it down to the linear level of throwing two groups at each other to resolve the conflict does seem like a prejudiced situation.
A lot of us may know the name “John Locke” from the famous TV series “Lost“. But that lot might not remember his character’s real name “Jeremy Bentham”. His character went through a lot of pain during his life before the plane crashed into the island where he found himself absolved of all pain and began to believe that “The Island” was his place to be, as he found a lot of pleasure in following its vague spiritual orders through “Jacob”, and otherwise.
In the real world too, a Jeremy Bentham existed a while ago. Was he in anyway connected to this reel character? Lets ponder!
Jeremy Bentham breathed through 1748 until 1832. He was the great British Economist and Philosopher who founded ‘Utilitarianism‘ and tried to quantify the ‘Pleasures and Pains’ in one’s life through his thorough but still tacit work called “Felicific Calculus
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Piece by piece, we wither
Scratch by scratch. We dither
Day by day, we rot a little
On the inside, and the outside
List by list, we fumble
Moment by moment, we gamble
Step by step, we learn a little
Only to lose every bit at the end
And, so I ask, why are we Weathered ?
Flocking to the tune of the gathered
Fading away in the daylight
To the thoughts of flying away!
Flying with eclectic dreams
Carving away from society’s self esteem
Scraping away the restraint disorder
Rebellious, but utterly vital
So, just fly away!
Some of us like to decide quickly with the minimal amount of numerically and philosophically most accurate choices. Whatever we decide needs to connect with the events of the present or past or both. Choices concerning the future need vague numerical prediction of the future (because accurate prediction is not available yet). Our mind has, over the years, trained itself at every step, nano or kilo, to form processes and modules of different behavioral, gestural, muscular, optical, nervous and other bodily dynamics. Each action has a module of dynamic components reacting in one in a millionth probable way to fulfill your thoughts of acting in a way you want. You train yourself to answer, gesture or physically behave in a certain way for certain situations. But some situations demand natural reactions. But even those natural reactions are a combination of the sub-conscious and genetic data which is hidden. So there is a chance that you never create an original gesture by un-intention!
Our minds have been generally thought to work in modules (module – each of a set of standardized parts or independent units that can be used to construct a more complex structure, such as an item of furniture or a building).
But there are 2 extreme thoughts on this. One extreme hypothesis believes that our mind is not wholly modular and the modularity lies towards the least side of the spectrum. Modularity is analogous with peripheral and output signals of the brain and non-modularity is related to the central cognition or conceptual section of the brain. So the first hypothesis calls our mind meagerly modular, kind of calling only a few of the peripheral signals modular. And our central cognition rules over most of the brain. This would mean that a few modules are created and our brain would not like to form habits of reacting in a certain way to certain situations, but rather act out of the gut most of the time. These brains would be very creative but not very productive!
The second hypothesis asserts that our brain is massively modular, if not wholly so! It likes to state that our central cognitive system is small and non-modular and almost every other system is modular. Now, this would mean that the brain signals work in modules and hence like to form modules for almost everything keeping the gut feeling away most of the times. I think these minds are the most practical and productive minds.
I think one trains its mind knowing or unknowingly throughout the life to either lean towards the natural frequency of it or away from it. The achievement would be the right balance. The right balance would make you a philosophical scientist. A person who knows exactly how to react every time, either through a module or the gut feeling! Balance is difficult to maintain, that is why change is the only constant!
Picture Credit: http://www.bbc.com/future/story/20161004-were-developing-brains-outside-of-the-body
1 year later
Fatty’s body was lying in its own cast on the couch. The blanket was forming the border of his ponch and legs. His television was running but he had no clue what it was running. His soft chubby hands were lying dead on his ponch. His head was swallowed by the pillows. His eyes were pierced towards the window, where light was entering as the curtain was playing with the air.
“So it was a shimmering light of love from as far as I am from that window now but turned into a big pile of dust as soon as I got up and went towards it. Then I was supposed to clean it but I muddled myself with it for a while. Now I realize my marriage was a big mistake. I do not even know how It came down to a divorce so quickly! Maybe we never belonged together and maybe this is the new beginning!”
He closed his eyes, put his right hand on his face. His forehead turned into a criss-cross road leading nowhere and small round tears rolled down his chubby cheeks. He was sobbing, like a child who understands love but has just lost it!
Days went by and Fatty survived on canned food. He had a half grown beard, big dark circles beneath his sad eyes, and a peculiar smell which could be found in a pig sty as his new companions.
He was lying in the empty bathing tub with his chubby flesh pouring out like molten fat. He was looking at the shower in front of him and thinking of all the times he saw his wife with love and for a moment lost himself in the light of her beauty. “Her hair fell on her hips like a waterfall! Her eyes were these beaming brown balls of happiness! Her smile was this invitation to the love planet! She always smiled a lot! She always cared about me! She showed me how to stand on my feet and be a man! Her man! She always criticized me for the right reasons! Like what kinds of clothes look good on me! What kind of car I should drive! What kind of haircut I should get! ” His eyebrow lines started to frown as his brain started to churn out a long list of what she controlled about him.”What kind of food I should eat to stay fit! What kind of people I should hang out with! What kind of behavior I should have in my office!” The list was unending. In a strange twist of his self evaluation, He had fumbled upon his happiness! His frown changed into a smile “she is gone! I can do whatever I really want to do!”
He was now sitting on the couch “What should I do? Oo I always wanted to swim but never learned it!” He sprung up and ran to the bedroom to find his laptop.
He researched for an hour and found a good swimming class nearby. There was a different smile on his face now!
But as soon as he called them, and they told him it was 120 dollars per class, the smile went away!
“I am paying her more than half of my salary! She took all the savings we had! It was not much but I am left with month to month survival on half of what I get! How did it get to this?!” He face grew sad. He put his hands on his head. Then he put his hands back on the laptop keyboard and typed – ‘Cheap swimming classes nearby’.
As days passed by, Fatty grew more social again. He was trying to save a little on his own now and had been promoted in the office too. He had started to get his sanity back again. Around 6 months from the day of his self repair, He was standing at his bank manager’s desk
“So how much have I saved in the past six months?”
“You have saved around 3000 dollars. It is a good start. There was a time when your monthly earnings were not sufficient for your needs but you have really turned yourself around! That too twice! I personally think you have a great financial sensibility!” the bank manager was looking at him with strange proud eyes.
“I know! Tragedy happened to me twice! But both times I stood up and walked again. I do feel good now. After a very long time!” Fatty went on with his self praise “I always thought love was the final destination. Now I have found self indulgence and growth. I am happy, truly!”
The bank manager was trying to hide his yawn now. He disrupted Fatty’s self reckoning
“So do you know how is she doing these days?”
Fatty focused on his face with no intention of looking at him and then looked at the window in the room “I have no clue! She never visited, called or even texted after the settlement. All I have now is an account number where the money gets transferred to. She never even complained about the money even when I had paid late for a couple of times. Money was never her agenda! I think she just lost the trust in me. And that too being her own suspicious behavior being at large.”
“Wait!” interrupted the manager again “But if she was so not interested in your money, why is she getting more than half your salary now and has already vanished all your savings? ”
Fatty looked at him with mild anger now “I think you should not be so personal in my matter! She was angry at me! Maybe that drove her to take the money from me!”
“I was just putting a reasonable point across. I apologize if I crossed the line.” Bank Manager said gently.
Fatty looked away from him and pulled his lower lip up with a nod away from the manager.
“I have put all your financial details in this envelope. I want to ask you one last question. Everyone seems to be using the online account to keep a tab on their finances. Why do you visit me every month for a hard copy of it? Just being a little inquisitive here if you don’t mind telling!”
Fatty broke out of his window gaze and looked at him with a subtle smile ” First, I like perspective! Second, I like talking to you! It goes beyond the surface!” Fatty pulled his sagging pants up ” I think I should get going now. Time for my cheap swimming class.” Then he grinned, grabbed the envelope from Manager’s table and left.
A grilling swimming session had brought Fatty to a 10 min break before he could do another 5 laps. He was getting better. But today he had a new realization bugging his head “Did she want my money ? I was never involved in any affair! She thought I was having an affair with Debby, but I wasn’t really! And I have not seen Debby in the office for 3 months now! They spoke once and Debby gave a dubious version of my friendly behavior in the court! Then they both just disappeared?! I just hate all those weeks of fighting when she just did not listen to me. As if she was entirely someone else! She always gave at least one chance to what I had to say before that. Did she just want to run away from me? Was the affair just an excuse to leave me dry for whatever money I had and whatever I will ever make?” He had grown tired of all these thoughts. He called it a day and left the pool early.
He went back home and went straight to the garage.
“I need to get rid of all her things instantly” He was speaking to himself. Loud and clear.
“Everything that belongs to her needs to be out of this house”
“This house is mine! It is mine and mine alone!”
Suddenly, he just stopped rambling.
“The house is still mine. The house is still mine?” He kept thinking
“How can she not take the house or even mention it in the settlement?”
He was growing mysteriously confused now.
He sat down on the chair in the garage with his hands on his head and kept thinking
“I need to back it up. She met me through Mike in college. She did not respond to any kind of flirting or friendship in college. Then she met me in the mall some years after graduation” He was trying to remember everything about her since the time he set his eyes on her “This time she totally gave me all the signs of a connection. Oh Shit! She was pretending! She was never a person who could connect with me! How can somebody change so much after college! How can I not sense this then? Ahhhhhh…..”
He was growing very anxious of his own thoughts.
“So why would she pretend to like me? Money? What else could it be?”
He was burning with agony now. His stomach had started to churn a little and his teeth were clenched with anger.
“She always wanted to run away! She cheated me all along! I hate her!”
And then he just could not control himself “Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh”
He screamed as if he did not care!
He kept screaming for a long time. Then coughed and ran to get some water. He drank like a thirsty dragon gulping pints of water at the only lake left on earth. Wiping the water off his face, which had grown sinister by now, he took out the mobile out of his pocket and started shuffling through contacts.
“Ah, it is still here!” His eyes had a strange glow now. The ‘T’ section of his contacts started with ‘Taller’.
Kuch dilchasp si rooh hai unki
Baat karte hain to labon se inqilaab jhalakta hai
Pehnaave se sufiyaana rubaab jhalakta hai
Andaaz se Ishq-e-haqiqi aur tabiyat se rohaana shabaab jhalakta hai
Ankhon se dil ka hisaab kitaab jhalakta hai
Harkaton se junoon-e-khaas aur barkaton se ehem kirdaar jhalakta hai
Laut jayenge hum vapas is manzar se
Aisa ab mushil-e-halaat lagta hai
Vakhviyat nai chahiye
Ahmiyat ke bhi pyaase nai
Killat to zindagi ki hai
Bejaan se jie jaate hain
Zameen se nikle vakht to kafi nikal gaya
Lautne se pehle ulfat bhi niyamat hui
Zindagi ke kagaz par kuch kharochen si hain
Un par malham kiye jaate hain
Hare kagaz ki kuch numayish si hai
chamkeele pathron ki guzarish si hai
Fakiron se guftgu jo hui
To zindagi ki keemat maloom kiye jaate hain
Aaj ghar se nikle to hain yeh sochkar
ki vakht ke maayne rakhkar hi lautenge
Par vakht ne kab kiska saath diya hai?
Lagta hai jaldi hi intekaal hoga!
I have seen it before, I have even felt it before!
Not sure where? Not sure why? Not sure how?
The smell reminds me of my village farmhouse, when it had rained fresh!
The color of the evening reminds me of one of the summers in college when the sun did not trash heat, but spread warmth, and the trees showed way to the pleasant wind!
The corner of the road reminds me of the hill road us friends once took!
The song playing in the car reminds me of the time I drank like a fish!
This situation is repeating so many nuances that it is a new portrait in itself!
Is it Deja vu? or the nature in this town is just being a copy cat! of a lot of moods altogether!